Untitled 32
All the books and movies describe it the same way. Ashen face, eyes rolled into the back of the head, and cold hands.
It's always cold hands.
But somehow, I was still surprised when I held yours.
Why did I expect anything different?
---
Older in years, you nonetheless moved quickly and moved well. You hiked up the steep approach without difficulty and climbed up a delicate slab, a thin finger crack and a wide chimney with the biggest smile on your face. Not a single complaint come from you the entire morning.
Indeed, there was nothing to complain about. The weather was perfect, neither too warm nor too cold. The climbing was perfect, a wonderful mix of styles on high quality rock. The views were perfect, clear and colorful, a beautiful landscape of forests and mountains.
It was a perfect day.
---
"You're doing really good. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Just keep breathing. That's right. Good, good. Now squeeze my hand. Good! That's really good."
Laying on your back, your breath came out in low, wheezing moans through slightly parted lips but somehow I found it comforting. It was much better than the breaths you took with a deafening silence that made my own breath catch.
"Can you open your eyes for us? Please try."
The lids of your eyes were barely open, just enough for me to see a tiny sliver of white through them, just enough for me to understand that those eyes saw nothing but the back of your skull.
But upon our request, for a moment, your lids opened a tiny bit wider and two dark pools flipped forward before they immediately rolled back into white.
"That's it. Good, good! Okay, now let's count together to ten. 1, 2, 3, .."
Your cold hands in ours, we continued like this for... minutes? Hours? It felt like we were in a place in which time no longer existed.
Good, really good, I said. Gwaenchanayo.
It's okay.
You, who hadn't moved once, who hadn't spoken a word-- it was so gentle and so slight but so unmistakable-- once, twice, you shook your head.
In that moment, did you already know?
---
We sat at the top of the mountain and looked out into the distance. The lush forest below was mostly emerald green but a few trees here and there had already begun to shed their summer coats. They stood out with their yellows, oranges and reds, framed against the bright blue sky and the soft brown and white rock.
It was really beautiful. One of my favorite sceneries in the world, for sure.
On another peak across some valleys, we could see tiny hikers gawking-- at nature, at the Seoul cityscape, at us.
"I used to hike here a lot before I started climbing," you said. "I always looked over at this peak and would be amazed at all the climbers. But now I'm sitting here, looking at all the hikers!"
---
"Bae apa! Bae apa, bae apa."
My stomach! It hurts, it hurts.
Those were the only words you said as they tightened the straps around your body, securing you to the stretcher. They eventually loosened the ones around your waist before they lifted you a few meters down the mountain.
A helicopter hovered closer, dropping a carrier attached to a line.
We looked on from above, shielding our eyes from the tornado of debris. They began to perform CPR and a defibrillator was attached to your chest.
Eternities passed before one of them signaled us.
They disconnected the defibrillator and slipped your body into the carrier. The helicopter pulled up the line and we watched the red bag go up and up and up.
---
In a dark room, the curtains drawn, we sat. We drank soju, we drank beer, we drank makkeolli and baijiu and wine and a mix of all of the above.
Would that make the sleep quieter?
Would that make the days pass by faster?
Would that make the dream end so we could finally get back to reality?
More importantly, would it absolve us of all our guilt, would it let us believe for a minute that this had simply been unmyeong, a preordained destiny we never had the power to change?