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I'm extremely petty.

I realized this recently.

I think about my weight a fair amount. Not in the sense that I think I am overweight by regular societal standards, but in that I would be able to climb way harder and do way more pull-ups if I just dropped 10-15 pounds, so I should really do it.

This thought has been in my head for the past 3 years continuously, and in the past 3 years, I have stayed exactly the same weight.

I wondered why this was so.

When I lived in Korea, I was really good at dieting. There was 20% less Tammy in Korea than there currently is in America. Even the Koreans at the gym would compliment me on my ability to drop weight fast-- a huge statement coming from a nation of people obsessed with being skinny.

But for some reason, moving back to the States, I didn't have motivation. I gained a bunch of weight in my first year back, and after that, I thought about trying to go back to my Korea weight, but just couldn't. I kinda cared, but not enough to do anything about it. Instead, I just trained harder and exercised more, increasing my strength and muscle mass, but never dropping a single pound. It's not like I cared less about climbing, but I just couldn't bring myself to even want to lose weight.

During this past week, I drove to LA to visit my parents, and my mother, like always, like most other Asian immigrant moms, made a pointed criticism about me getting fat.

And then it hit me.

Like in a Hanna Barbera cartoon, getting hit by an unexpected train and having white stars fill your vision.

The reason I haven't cared to diet in America is because I don't want my mom to win.

In her mind, by calling me fat, she is encouraging me to lose weight.

Therefore, if I lose weight, I am justifying her terrible parenting. I am letting her think that it is appropriate and effective for someone to continuously call their daughter 'fat'.

So I, subconsciously, for the past 3 years, as a 'fuck you' to my mom, have refused to diet.

I am willing to damage my physical appearance and health and climbing ability just so my mom will not be able to have the 'skinny enough' daughter she has always wanted.

I am extremely petty.

In the future, I hope I can act less against other people and instead make better decisions to improve myself.