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Sometimes people tell me they wish they could work in education and become a teacher for underprivileged kids, but dot-dot-dot.

The dots trail off.

I know what's unsaid, what's hidden behind the hazy dots bobbing in the air. 

Before it gets too awkward, I nod knowingly and give them an easy out.

I understand-- the pay is too low. Especially compared to what you can make in the private sector in San Francisco-- switching to education from an engineering role would literally mean a pay cut of at least 50%. When you take into account the reduction in benefits, the cut is even greater. 

While I do wish more people would be willing to make the sacrifice, I understand-- I really do. The vast majority of people make the conscious choice to not work in the public sector, so how I can judge the majority of the world? Really, working in the public sector is the abnormal choice. And besides, life is life and you do what you can.

I also understand because mirroring their dot-dot-dot, I have my own dot-dot-dot. 

I wish I could work in the private sector and earn a higher salary, be better equipped to support my family, have the opportunity to develop my technical skills and learn from my peers rather than being one of two technical people in the entire school district, ,and get snazzy benefits like free meals and gym membership, dot-dot-dot--

...
 

White.

Everything is white.

The florescent lights glowing above me.

The paint on the walls.

The porcelain of the toilet bowl.

The ceramic tiles I'm sitting on, my knees curled up to my chest as I cry pathetically in what is the lowest moment of my entire fucking life because what the fuck am I doing in this tech company bathroom in the middle of downtown San Francisco.

I'm crying.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm crying.

I don't even remember what the final straw was, I just know that I fucking hate this shit.

I hate the amount of bullshit that comes out of people's mouths. I hate how arrogant and delusional they are about their work. I hate the jargon they use, how they're so determined to revolutionize or disrupt one industry or another, strategizing about how to grow audiences and drive revenue for a product that has questionable value for the world, how they're so 100% convinced that this thing they're doing is the best possible thing they could be doing.

I hate it all.

But mostly, I hate that I tried so fucking hard to be here so it's my own damn fault that I'm in this situation.

I hate that I'm choosing to waste my time doing something I completely don't believe in and no one is forcing me to be here but I am just here because I'm too stupid to do anything about it and I want the money.

At this point, I'm worse than a prostitute because at least prostitutes are doing it because they don't have better options. Me, I'm just selling my self-respect spending 50 hours a week doing something I think is an absolute waste entirely by my own volition. 

I hate that I've gone so astray from what I believe in. I've literally sold myself out. 

So here I am.

Crying in the office bathroom.

What the fuck.

...

--dot-dot-dot, but it turns out I fucking hate working in the private sector because it will inevitably lead me to develop severe depression so the money and growth opportunities are literally not worth it because whats the value of these things if I just end up killing myself as a result of disillusionment and angst, dot-dot-dot...

To be fair and clear, the struggles I had were not unique to that office. I would have experienced the same feelings in most any private company.

Sometimes, hearing about the work cultures and benefits and projects that other friends have-- I idly start to day dream about working in a young, hip company where not all employees are married with children, where people go out and share drinks and talk about international adventures and dating mishaps, rather than the struggles of finding the right kindergarten for their children and their newest home improvement endeavors. 

But then I get horrible flashbacks-- in my memory, the white tiles and spotless porcelain shine bright from the darkness of my consciousness like the light at the end of the tunnel people see when they have a near-death experience.

And so, in some ways, I haven't really chosen to work in education so much as the alternative is not a viable option for me.

I have to believe in my every day, in my every moment, to know that I am alive and that I have meaning. 

Today, I am grateful for the work I do.

To see my coworkers put in endless hours of devotion and raw emotion into what they do-- not for a paycheck because God knows they aren't paid enough for their work, and not for the glory because we all know that society will never acknowledge their successes-- but for the hope that even one more child will have one more opportunity in life. 

It's really amazing. 

Every day is an endless cycle of sacrifice and love, frustration and failure, growth and success, and I find that in giving more of their selves away, their hearts grow bigger. 

I am glad I can join them in this work. 

So really, I'd love to work in the private sector one day, but dot-dot-dot... In the end, the best thing I can do for myself is to live true to my values and in doing so will I receive the greatest of wealth and growth.